Know Thyself
March 31st will mark 22 years since this, my favorite film of all time was released in theaters. When The Matrix dropped in 1999, I didn't know it existed. I saw it for the first time in 2001 as a newly minted high schooler, and the film immediately made a home in my consciousness for good. It seemed it was on HBO everyday, and I made time to watch it, even if it was just for a scene or two. At one time I had it memorized. With Matrix memes making the rounds in one of my favorite Discord communities, I find myself in The Desert of the Real once again, trying to find myself.
Back in 2001, the film inspired me to think about the true nature of existence, whether we live in a simulation, the risks of inventing artificial intelligence, and other things that felt too sci-fi to be within the realm of possibility at the time. Things have changed a lot in the last two decades. As new scientific insights and technologies have been revealed, the veil of reality seems to be just a little more dogeared at the edges. With this newfound knowledge, the film has come to mean different things as I've revisited it throughout my life. One thing that has remained real and true, is the idea of Oneness: reality is what we make it, and it starts with knowing who we are.
In one of my favorite scenes in the film, Neo visits The Oracle. I loved so much that she was an elderly Black woman, played by Gloria Foster, who was somewhat reminiscent of my own grandmother who communicates in subtleties. The dialogue in this scene is so clever that you almost forget that Keanu Reeves does little more than stand there. The Oracle's gestures and speech are forever ingrained in my memory.
You know what that means? It's Latin. Means "know thyself." I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Being The One is just like being in love. No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it, through and through, balls to bones. Well, I'd better have a look at you… Sorry kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something. Your next life, maybe. Who knows. That's the way these things go… Don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't believe in any of this fake crap. You're in control of your own life. Remember.
As a teen, I didn't really think much of what The Oracle says in the film. I'd never been in love, and a part of me never thought I would be. Now on other side of love a few times over, I come to this monologue with a new perspective. My consciousness, was so battered by societal expectations and all of the critical voices I internalized for my own. It's sometimes hard to get to the root of who I am. Being in love held up a mirror that allowed me to see myself with a crystalline clarity that I could not muster on my own. Each time I was truly in love, I got a glimpse of myself from a new perspective.
On this side of a debilitating heartbreak, my sense of identity is destabilized. I see how porous that identity was to start with, that it was so easily toppled by the departure of someone who hardly took the time to know me. I abandoned myself for breadcrumbs of affection. I was just an amusement to pass the time until things got too hard for them to juggle. Now I'm faced with the question once more, who am I? Looking to the past has never been a suitable compass, and the future is intangible. Who will I be now? The beauty of the journey is in the deciding.
We're "The One" in our own Universe, vying to discover our true potential, our unique path, and our purpose in this life. The paradox is that, perhaps we are all in pursuit of the same thing, a kind of metaphysical singularity. As I embark on expressing myself in social mediums like Twitch, YouTube, and blogging, I am reinventing who I am, day by day, habit by habit, thought by thought. I'm tired of waiting for something. For someone. I'm in control of my own life. I remember. I don't need a mirror; I can become it. And when I'm ready, I won't have to.